I’ve been unsure of how to write this one for a while. Today I broke down into a puddle of something I don’t like to be. It began with kicking a trash can and ended with becoming paralyzed in bed because if I get up I may or may not bust into my bathroom and cut myself with a shaving razor. I say “bust into my bathroom” because my boyfriend stayed home to take care of me, and the bathroom, today, would really mean only one thing, thus ensuing the struggle of a loved one fighting for my safety (again).
I’ve been unemployed and terrified for the last seven months because of days like today. I struggle to focus on or enjoy anything. I don’t write, or read, or do any of the things that I know I love to do, which ultimately leaves me feeling ashamed, feeding the fire of my inability to do any of the things I know I love to do. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy of how “I will never be enough”, and “will always atone for whatever I’ve done to deserve this”.
A few recent thoughts/urges running through my head, over and over, until I can’t keep up:
1.) Nobody loves you
2.) You’ve disappointed everyone
3.) Cut yourself
4.) Bash your head though a window
5.) Drive your car off an actual mountain
I don’t do these things because I’m lucid, but there is a line I can see, just a few yards away, also because I’m lucid. Once crossed, I might not come back, and even if I do, I definitely wouldn’t come back completely intact. Little pieces of my life before have gone missing and then I’m left to search for replacement parts.
My ultimate point is, in the middle of a crisis, I search for red flags (warning signs) along the way. In the first five seconds is when I get the real oppotunity to rewind, turn away, and decide that I don’t have to be that person today.
And as for “the line”, it appears at the end of the crisis, where I am faced with harming myself, my well being. In my personal experience, the line means I’ve mapped out the plan as to how I’m going to destroy myself and everything I’ve built up to this point, and this point I’ve found myself at: I’ve experienced before, and I will experience again. And again and again.
Every time I’ve entered an emergency room they ask me if I want to harm myself or anyone else, and if I have a plan to do so. That is the question, what steps will I take? How far am I willing to go in order to feel anything but this hopelessness. If my answer is “anything, and I will do this specific harmful act to get there,” then I’m face to face with the line, and I need someone safe, somewhere safe, to take control of how I handle this moment, however long it takes to make a responsible lucid decision.
I’m scared but I’m rebuilding. I’m always suceptible to another day like today. I could fall apart at any moment but between the really bad parts I get to think, and truly make decisions to take care of myself. I get to decide if I’m going to look for a new psychiatrist today, or if I’m going to commit to drinking water (like I should) and laying in bed watching True Blood. Either way, I need to take care of myself when I can, and accept when I need help without feeling the need to apologize for it.
I get the luxury of understanding that I haven’t yet lost my shit. I still get the chance to screw up a lot more. I have friends that want to understand without anything in return.
I encourage you to watch for your triggers, and decide, really decide, for yourself, your self, what determines who and how you get to experience this day.
I wish you way more than luck.
The suicide hotline for the United States: 1-800-273-8255
International link to your country’s suicide hotlines: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html